Download PDF NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity By Jean Coppock Staeheli
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Ebook About One of the world’s leading experts on infidelity provides a step-by-step guide through the process of infidelity—from suspicion and revelation to healing, and provides profound, practical guidance to prevent infidelity and, if it happens, recover and heal from it.You’re right to be cautious when you hear these words: “I’m telling you, we’re just friends.” Good people in good marriages are having affairs. The workplace and the Internet have become fertile breeding grounds for “friendships” that can slowly and insidiously turn into love affairs. Yet you can protect your relationship from emotional or sexual betrayal by recognizing the red flags that mark the stages of slipping into an improper, dangerous intimacy that can threaten your marriage.Book NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity Review :
TL;DR version: If you have been through a cheating event, you most likely will need this book for advice and healing (especially if you are the spouse of the cheater).If you are reading this in desperate need of help/hope because you recently found out your spouse cheated on you, first I want to say that I am so sorry this has happened to you. I've been through that chaotic, confusing and scary couple of days after the "discovery" and I truly empathize with your situation. Especially those of you who have no support to help you deal (close friends, family, etc that you could tell in confidence). The good news is, you have found the right book, and it will help you through this time.This book probably saved my marriage. After I discovered my wife had been in an emotional/online relationship with an ex for the previous two years, I was almost in physical shock I think (edit: looking back with a couple years' perspective, I definitely suffered from PTSD in the year + following "The Event").I will never forget that gut-punching feeling of betrayal when I found out, and to say this book helped me is a massive understatement. It saved my sanity, and helped both of us cope with what statistically is a marriage-ending affair.We both read it at the same time, then I re-read it, made copious notes, and discussed each of them in detail with wife.Then I read it again. And maybe one more time. Obviously, the book "spoke" to me at a time when I was at a loss as to what to do next, or how to move forward. It was an emotional security blanket for me, and I am NOT an emotional person (quite the opposite). Looking back, I was almost obsessing over "The Book" and I am sure my wife did not share that...enthusiasm about it (but to be fair, she was on the other side, and the book explains how the offender and the offended typically react differently, and why).Had we acted on my initial instinct to go see a marriage counselor (well actually my FIRST instinct was to call a divorce lawyer), I think that would have failed. Or at least would have had a high chance of failing. That might have worked if we had access to a top marriage counselor, or someone with even a bit of Glass' experience or resume, but most of us don't have that. And if you don't have access to that kind of expert, IMO, you're likely better off NOT going to a "local yokel" who means well, but with this very difficult and complicated issue, can really make things worse. Glass mentions this in the book as well, about how much misinformation about the topic is out there, is espoused by therapists, is written up in mags and newspapers, and treated as "best practices" for these situations).If something like this has just happened to you (particularly if you are on the receiving end of your spouse's cheating), just trust me, read this book. It will help, and if you respond as I did, it will actually help you heal and act as a "pain reliever" while you heal. It will not be a "good read" or "enjoyable" or any other similarly silly description of this book that I saw in other reviews. It will be HORRIBLE, because it's going to open up every detail and some hard truths that you probably don't want to think about.But it will be necessary IF you want to try and save your marriage (BOTH of you, sincerely, not just one, or one saying they do because they fear the consequences of not saying they do).It will even be brutal, because Glass can be very direct, and doesn't candy coat the reality of the situation. She reminds me of a tough, but beloved coach from high school. For instance, she suggests if X and Y happen, or has happened, and Z is true, then moving forward as a married couple will probably not work, and you need to look at "exit" options. Even if that is the ultimate outcome, or the suggested path, she walks you through that as well, in the least damaging way possible.Even though the book was written by an older woman, I find the style, vocabulary and even thought processes, to be very much relevant for current times (I saw another review dinging the book for being anachronistic). In fact, the thinking and even style is so NOT dated, I was surprised after reading the book, to find out that the author had been dead for more than a decade!Glass obviously placed a lot of faith in science and data (I love that), since she herself did many clinical trials and used data from other scientific studies on infidelity to back up her assertions and advice. But as expert and clinical as she is on the subject, her tone and demeanor come across as a sincerely caring, but very professional doctor.Sadly (maybe), two and a half years after my "Event", I still think of this book occasionally, and have an urge to re-read it, or at least look at my highlighted sections. These moments occur less frequently as time goes on, and they are short-lived, thankfully (and to date have not actually gone back to read it, just the feeling of needing/wanting to, in dark/bad moments).I have no idea what Glass would think of that, but I can say that I am still married, and as a result of much of the advice (both do's and dont's) which we followed during those dark days, I think we both handled it as well as it could be given the circumstances, and to the extent possible, healed the gaping wound in our marriage.Maybe like grieving the death of a loved one, there is no 'fix' or solution to an infidelity event - there's just trying to cope in as healthy a way as possible, with the hope that one day the pain will diminish. Given the difficulty, complexity, and variability of this topic, Glass covers most if not all bases as a fantastic guide for BOTH spouses through this event, and probably comes as close to a 'solution' as possible.(Edited 7/29 to add: I also HIGHLY recommend a new book I just listened to, "Marriageology" by Luscombe. An amazing listen via audiobook, and for anyone in the recovery phase of an infidelity event, I think should be the follow up book after the one I reviewed above. She is also very data/study-centric, but it's so well-written that it's not dry or boring, or overpowering (too many numbers!) at all. Such a gift for writing, and the content is really eye-opening for anyone that wants to improve their marriage: cheater, cheated, or not). I've read several books on marriage, and this one to date is by far the best.) This is the number one book I'd recommend to those who have faced betrayal through an affair. There is so much info on betrayal through sex addictions and porn, but this book addresses the "love affair" and those that come out of friendships. It is comprehensive. It covers how to protect, how to recover, what to do, the other views. It has tons of situations and healing steps. It has assessments to see if you are in danger with attitudes and such. It has many examples of real couples and their struggles. It talks about situations that affect affairs of all varieties. When I recognized similar situations to my husband, I read it to him and he'd say "That's a real thing?" I think it helped him to know that his struggles and weaknesses that led to his choices are real and he's not a freak. It helped me to understand better to. Sometimes I needed to know more than that he's trying- That's a common thing with betrayal trauma and this book really helps with that. Definitely would recommend it. 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